‘Dick Dastardly’s Flammable Catastrophe’

 Bens version of events:

As you may know, the challenge was to buy a car that was made before 1980 for less than £500 and rally it to Rome and back via Croix-en-Ternois in France, Kassel in Germany, Ispra then Rome then Pisa in Italy, Bern in Switzerland and back to England via Rouen.  Whilst it is not a ‘race’ ... all the cars have numbers and cars are awarded points based on the order in which they arrive at the various destinations.  On reflection, it’s a race.  If anything it is a race of endurance as you cover around 3000 miles in 10 days in cars that are RUBBISH.  The only reason I made it to Rome and back and am still alive is because I shared this adventure with Scott (see below) who is an outstanding mechanic.  We broke down 25 times, 14 of which were what I would term ‘significant thermal events’.  In a Lancia this can mean anything from a steering column fire to overheating to a leaking fuel tank.  All of which we experienced.

 

    

 

To give you a flavour of some of our friends\competitors – see the below pictures.  25 blokes and a truly fabulous mixture of brands, styles, engine types etc but all pre 1980 and all bought for less than £500.  Cool eh ?  The Lancia was often a favourite with the crowds – especially in Italy.  We were approached or stopped by the police a total of 5 times (for various misdemeanours) and every time, without exception, they saw the car – saw the route map (via a great big sticker on the car), realised the adventure we were on and wished us luck !  Brilliant.

 

          

 

Our adventure in brief then; after working on the car together for a few weeks in advance, Scott and I were ready for the UK meeting point (a lovely old farm in Chesham).  Considering the car did not run properly when we bought her (hardly anything worked in fact) we were pretty happy at least that the brakes worked, the doors opened and the cup holder was secure.  Any other issues we would have to discover en route and fix en route !  After an overnight stay in Chesham, it was a 5am start for our first stage into France.  The Lancia ran beautifully until we got the ferry at Dover (70 miles into our trip).  At this point, the gearbox failed completely and we couldn’t go anywhere.  Fantastic.  We managed to limp onto the ferry but as soon as we were in Calais, we had to pull over and fix a broken gear linkage under the car.  We created a makeshift workshop in the car park at the ferry port.  Ideal.

 

 

This repair took around 4 hours and we assumed we would be last to Croix en Ternois.  Sadly (but luckily for us) another car had failed to even make it to the ferry so we were not last.  We were second to last.  Nice.  We arrived late at the campsite but immediately joined our competitors for beer and chips at a local cafe.  Very civilized indeed.  Day 2 involved getting to Kassel in North Germany – a nice 390 mile drive from Croix en Ternois.  Apart from an amusing little steering column fire, which we dealt with very calmly despite doing 130km\h at the time – things went well that day.  Oh and apart from losing all lights, including indicators.  The camp site was excellent and all the guys were pleased to see us arrive.  In last place.

 

Day 3 was more troublesome – the cooling system failed completely and we could not drive for more than 20 minutes without overheating and losing all water from the engine (filling it back up with river water filtered through a sock was funny).  Eventually, we conceded that we needed some spare parts (hosing, clips, thermostat, a new Lancia etc) and got a truck to take us to the nearest town with a Fiat dealership.  To our delight, all the mechanics stopped work to come out and see the 2 crazy Englishmen with the their vintage Lancia and offered us a bay in their workshop for the day to fix the car.  We were treated incredibly well and only charged for the few parts we used – they simply wanted us to get our ridiculous car to Rome !

 

      

 

Once the car was fixed, we had a choice ... head to Ispra (and arrive at 4am) or head straight to Rome (a 900 mile drive through the night).  Obviously we headed straight to Rome and amazingly – we were first to arrive (at about 10am).  We immediately opened a celebratory beer and then fell asleep in the sun.  The other guys were amazed and delighted to see the Lancia waiting for them at the camp site in Rome and despite not getting any points (we missed a whole rally stage by driving straight there !) we were both immensely proud to have achieved our original goal of getting that ridiculous car to where she was born.

 

   

 

Day 5 was a visit to Pisa.  Great fun.  No major car issues.

 

      

 

Day 6 was a fantastic mountain drive to Switzerland in the sunshine and the Lancia was third to arrive.  Our best performance yet.  Regrettably, our fuel pipe split on the motorway (a 12 minute roadside repair) or we would have been second.  The night out in Berne was fantastic.  Everyone in black tie and a banquet dinner in town, followed by a night of gambling at the Casino.  Day 7 involved an epic hangover and theoretically, a gentle drive to Rouen in France.  Sadly our car suffered a chain of significant thermal events and we were forced to pull off the major roads and find somewhere to work on her.  The universe provided a farm track set amongst the most beautiful Swiss scenery you can imagine.  No fewer than 5 separate cars stopped to ask if we needed help or a room for the night or water or directions to a camp site or their daughters’ hand in marriage.  Rural Switzerland is such a friendly place.  One guy explained that he owned the local brewery and a modest collection of sports cars.  He loved our mission so much that he fetched a large crate of beer from the back of his Range Rover and said ‘boys – whatever happens with this car tonight, have a beer on me’.  We did.

 

    

 

Once we had the car running again, day 8 involved Karting in Rouen (because we had not done enough driving !?!?!) and a big BBQ to say goodbye to everyone.  The following day was ideally meant to be getting home to our loved ones but the Lancia exploded 30 miles from the ferry port at Calais and required 2 hours of repairs in the rain.  Brilliant.

 

In short, one of the best adventures of my life so far.  At times, terrifying and soul destroying and at times euphoric and hilarious.  The Lancia went from being the villain to the hero every 5 hours or so and even now I am unsure how I feel about her.  She herself can only communicate via the medium of ‘catching fire’ or a little LCD clock in the dashboard.  I say clock ... it displayed whatever she felt like telling us;

 

   

    

 

The moral of the story is; ‘Lancias are ridiculous but fun’ and ‘always travel with a mechanic’.

Ben.